God Won't Give You More Than You Can Handle

April 25, 2012

I often wonder how or why I got to this place.  Why did God give me this disease?  I've been pondering about it a lot for the past week and a half as I hit yet another battle with my health.

I was talking to my mom the other day and I was expressing to her how I just didn't get it.  I didn't understand why all these things were happening to me, now, at this stage in my life.  I mean, I did everything right when I was growing up.  I was studious and got straight A's from elementary to high school.  I was active in sports.  I barely went out and to party with my friends.  I didn't drink or do drugs or act promiscuously.  I did everything and followed the rules.  Yes, in college, I did what college students did and had my fair share of partying, drinking, experimenting.  I wasn't as active in college sports, but I did work out and I ate healthy.  After college and through my 20's, I still went out to bars, clubs, and other social events, so the drinking part was still existent, but again, I remained active and health conscientious.  I think I lived the daily life of other 20-something year olds.  So, physically speaking, I just couldn't figure out where I went wrong.

I also had a great up-bringing with emphasis on family values, the Catholic faith, and to always try my best to excel in everything I do.  My father, a pediatrician and my mother, a med tech turned homemaker.  My parents instilled strong Filipino values in their children.  They were strict, but the most down to earth people you will ever meet.  They never turned anyone away and home welcomed everyone.  My brothers and I were so loved and supported.  We never had to want for anything.  We weren't spoiled, but we were very fortunate to live the lives that my parents gave us.  I have plenty of cousins, although most of them are a thousand miles away, we always remained close.  I can say that the close friends I have are considered family.  Bottom line is:  I grew up surrounded by love and was never really alone because I knew that I could depend on my family and friends, always.

So, physically, psychologically and environmentally, I just couldn't figure this out.  Why is this happening to me?  Why did God give me this disease?  How did a girl that followed the rules and did everything right end up like this?  I finished my undergrad and graduate degrees.  I have my own house, my own car.  I wasn't promiscuous and didn't get pregnant or marry young.  I wasn't a drug addict or an adrenaline junkie.  I have a great career.  I have an amazing boyfriend and a supportive family.  So WHY?  Why NOW?  How come at the time of my life that I've reached a mature and ready age, did this situation fall on my lap.  How come NOW when I've met the love of my life and I'm ready to be a wife, a mother, and a fast track career woman, did God deal these cards?  At 30 years old, my life is only beginning, so I just don't get it.

These have been the thoughts that I've been battling with recently.  So, I have to continuously remind myself that "God won't give you more than you can handle."  I can look at the situation and get mad.  I can spend hours, days, months, years wondering, "why me?"  -OR- I can look at the situation and recap the life that I have been blessed with.  Maybe these cards were dealt to me because I am loved... I do have the support system... I am taken care of, but at the same time, I am strong enough to handle this health situation.  This condition isn’t a part of me.  It’s only a part of my journey. 

Humira: Wonder Drug or Slow Killer?

Could the drug that letting me live my life, simultaneously be causing it to weaken and wither away?

I was on Day 64 since I had re-started Humira treatment when I suffered the worst "allergic" reaction.  I woke up with my thighs and legs covered in itchy eczema-like spots and clusters and my abdomen with what resembled a rash, but was itchy and sore like hives.

Here are some pictures:

This "flare-up" had slowly been progressing for weeks, but it was at its worst and only continued to worsen after I woke up that Sunday.

By the third dose of Humira (Day 22), I was pretty much clear and my the arthritis pain was gone.  The spots on my body had "bleached" and flattened out.  I was happy to be up and moving again.  I was finally at east with my decision to go back on Humira.

On Day 50, I was scheduled to take another shot of Humira and I did, but about 2-3 days later, I started to see spots on my shins.  I also started noticing my psoriatic markers on my face (the spots that appear and appear when my psoriasis flares up again).  I didn't think much about these spots because I was on my period and I just thought it was acne or something.  Plus, I had just taken my dose of Humira, so I didn't think it was psoriasis related.  I also worked out for the first time in months that week and I started having some really, really minor joint pains.  Again, I didn't think any of my symptoms were PsA related.

It wasn't until Day 60, when my seasonal allergies (hay fever) were really bad and the spots from my shins were multiplying and spreading to my thighs and a little rash on my stomach started forming.  I continued to take my antihistamines (Claritin) and made an appointment to see my allergist.  I was just confused because I changed my laundry detergent, shampoo, conditioner, body washes, and lotions to anti-allergen products to eliminate any skin contact allergies.  I also started changing the foods I ate to eliminate the possibility of allergic reactions to foods.

When I saw my allergist (Day 62), she told me that my rashes looked like eczema and that it was simply my hay fever worsening because of the allergy season.  She advised that I continue my antihistamines and that I just put my steroid creams on the itchy patches on my body.  The following day, I was just really uncomfortable and felt like a hundred mosquitoes bit me, so I started 30mg of Prednisone and I added some Benadryl to help ease the desire to scratch my spots.  However, that night was really, really bad and I couldn't resist how itchy my body was.  I barely slept and woke up to Day 64, which are the pictures above.

Day 64 was the absolute worst.  Not only did the spots spread like crazy, but my body was so sore.  A whole day of resting did not make the pain subside.  I was scheduled to take my Humira, so I did (bad idea), thinking that maybe IF this reaction was another psoriatic flare up, then maybe the dose of Humira would help.

On Day 65, I started noticing that I was getting a rash on my left index finger and it would swell up and be so itchy, then it would swell back down.  I was scheduled to see a second allergist because it just seemed that things were getting worse and spreading more.  I was given a strong steroid shot that was supposed to make everything subside, but it didn't.  The following day, I started to notice that my rashes on my stomach were moving upwards towards my neck.  As I drove to see my primary doctor, I had such a bad allergic reaction that I my throat almost closed up.

By Day 67 and 68, I saw my rheumatologist and dermatologist.  There were not definitive answers as to whether or not this reaction was Humira-related because no one had seen anything quite like what I had on my body.  My dermatologist said that she could clinically diagnose that the spots on my lower extremities were dermatitis, but the rashes on my stomach and chest were hives.  I gave 16 viles of blood for tests and almost passed out in the lab.  I was given more steroids and antihistamines.  For the time being, I was advised to stop taking my doses of Humira.

I've gotten some of the results back from my blood tests and they show no signs of infections or allergies, but this was something that my rheumatologist said could happen because I was already on steroids that were helping my body get back to normal again.  Even IF all the results come back and there are no ties to Humira, in my gut, I know that it's what I'm allergic to.